knots

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted anything. This blog is supposed to be a record of my MFA experience, instead it feels like yet another thing I should do but I'm not.

I'm feeling very unsatisfied/agitated by the "work". I feel a little stuck and don't know how to push forward or if I can push forward. What if this is it? What if there's nothing more, nothing better to come from me? Or another way I guess I can think of it is...What does the next level look like? feel like?

I imagine feeling free and more than that I imagine feeling courageous. What would I do if I wasn't afraid? Make art. Make more art. Make bigger funkier messier art. Share my art. What would it feel like to be an artist? It would feel important. I would have something to say. I would know what I want to say. What does it mean to say something through making art? How do you make a statement using just color, shapes and lines?

What am I afraid of? Failure. What's the worse thing that could happen? I would make art and show my art and people would hate it and laugh at me for thinking I could be an artist. What would happen after that? I would feel awful and I would feel mad. But worse than that is I would make art and share it and everyone would say it's nice but really think it was sad or pathetic and no one will tell me the truth so I never know how truly awful my work is. That's the worse thing that could happen.

I know the enemy is me but still I can't get me to shut up in my head and keep it steppin' sister.